CAPITAL STATE FOREST, WA:

It’s Easter and a nice cool day for a morning hike. Up and out early, I arrive at the Capitol State Forest by 6:30, and on the Crestline, Greenline trail before seven. At just under six miles with a modest 833 ft elevation gain, my hike was filled with all kinds of twists and turns, and took nearly three hours. I layered up for the refreshing chill in the air, hovering around 40°. As I approached the area, I turned on to Capital Peak Road, Looking forward to another day on the trail. From this point forward, I embraced the solitude, as I would not see another vehicle or person for a few hours. The drive up the mountain side was lengthy but had plenty of thrills, with loose gravel and some turns that added an element of excitement on my ascent. Once at the trailhead, I eagerly got underway. The trail offered a mix of gravel roads and paths, with areas of elevation gain through the towering trees. This hike was a fantastic opportunity to connect with nature and enjoy the peacefulness. Although there was no water feature and the view was partly obscured by low clouds, the trail’s unexpected charm was enough for the pleasant hike. It was an ideal setting for ‘think’ time, where I let my thoughts wander. On my hike today I found myself in a bit of a day dream state, lost in the whimsical world of Alice in Wonderland. What started as a simple thought blossomed into a curious journey, and before I knew it, I was ironically (and figuratively) chasing rabbits—thoughts, memories, and reflections hopping through my mind like an exciting game of Gnip Gnop—a nostalgic nod to the classic ’70s game. I felt accomplished as I returned to my car and promptly got on the road and headed to Easter brunch.

Before I fall into that rabbit hole, I want to pause on my gratitude for the small moments that enrich my life. My evenings have taken on a comforting routine, winding down with a few sentences in my 5-year journal, a daily reading from The Pivot Year by Breanna Wiest, reflections from The Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday, and then a chapter or two in my current reading. I finish my nights picking up my guitar and giving it a few strums, often ending with the carefree spirit of “A Pirate Looks at Forty” (Jack Johnson, Dave Matthews, and Tim Reynolds version of this reflective Jimmy Buffett song). In the morning, my routine is simple—I just make my bed, and it has become an important non-negotiable. These rituals may seem small, but they anchor me, offering a sense of accomplishment and consistency even on the toughest of days.

As with other hikes, I took a thought for a walk on the trail today. You know how it goes—sometimes your mind is like Alice tumbling down the rabbit hole, chasing thoughts and ideas like rabbits. This triggered Grace Slick’s words ringing in my head, “if you go chasing rabbits, and you know you’re going to fall.” Well, no mind-altering substances involved here, unless you count the occasional protein bar, but I would recommend lighting a couple candles and playing Jefferson Airplane’s 1967 song White Rabbit in the background as you read on (preferably on vinyl). I digress.

The thought I carried with me to ponder was the concept of cognitive distortions, or as I like to call them, ‘self-imposed negative bullshit.’ This first waypoint feels a bit academic, as I break down Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)—’techniques I’ve been practicing for a few years now. Spotting these distortions is like navigating tricky terrain—’magnification’ and ’emotional reasoning’ pop up like unexpected roots, challenging my footing. My mind races, always trying to find balance in a world that often feels like a steep uphill climb. I did not get too far into this thought, before I started considering a distortion that gets in my way of growth and fulfillment if left unchecked.

Wandering deeper into the trails, my thoughts lead me to the distortion that is my nemesis: Imposter Syndrome. At this point, you could say I fell down the rabbit hole. It’s that nagging feeling of not being enough, despite any evidence otherwise. The feeling that I’m ‘faking’ it because I’m not good enough just as I am, and that someday, someone will expose the truth of my inadequacies. My parents gave me a solid start with kindness and work ethic, so who knows where this distortion came from. It’s a burden I’ve carried for far too long, perhaps rooted in my parochial school days when I felt I never quite measured up to the students who seemingly had it all together. In high school, rather than trying to compete, I remember choosing to veer off the traditional path, ditching academics and sports to host weekend keg parties and playing my guitar in garage-band jam sessions; it was my way of carving out an identity, something I could own and be good at. Yet, it left me with its own dark shadows, and its own set of problems—perhaps a tale for another day. Even now, I wrestle with Imposter Syndrome. But awareness and maturity have become my trusty trekking poles, helping me navigate the steep descents of self-doubt.

Sinking deeper into my thoughts, I encounter the final concept of the day, default thinking—a lesson I learned from reading Mel Robbins a few years back. At this point, it’s fair to say I was officially ‘chasing rabbits’. I realize how often my subconscious looks for, and finds, evidence to confirm negative beliefs, like, ‘I’m not good enough’ creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. distortions don’t reflect reality and evidence-based truths, but they sure feel real and are hard to shake without intentionally working on them. My default thinking has been further challenged through loss, trying to move forward without sacrificing unbreakable intimacy with Kelly.

On one hand, I might have a fleeting moment of feeling ‘okay,’ but it frightens me that in some way I may be drifting further from Kelly. I find comfort in reminders of her—music, romcom’s, her untouched walk-in closet, her phone that sits charged in my studio, a piece of her favorite clothing, the room where she took her last breath, or a spritz of her perfume (Yves Saint Laurent BLACK OPIUM, if you’re wondering). These are quick-fixes that bring me close to Kelly again. Of course, being close triggers sadness. So, I work to feel ‘okay’ again, and the cycle continues.

On the other hand, if my default thinking focuses on ‘the constant state of missing Kelly’ my subconscious finds evidence of this all day long; like not getting that afternoon text from her phone to see how I’m doing, when I’ll be home and what we should do for dinner. Missing Kelly makes me sad, finding evidence confirms that sadness. So I work to modify my default thinking to ‘I’m making progress, I’m going to be okay,’ I find evidence of this too, but primarily its attributed to keeping busy and distracted. Again, this scares me, pulling me back to Kelly’s closeness. And yet again, the cycle continues. So I’m in this place, a place between two opposing forces that don’t allow me to connect or settle. This is the space where I currently live, and I’m ok with that.

If you’re expecting a neat resolution to this waypoint, maybe a little prize at the end of the trail, think again. I’m a work in progress. As I head down this trail, I shift to gratitude, my trusty band-aid that pushes negative thinking aside, reminding me of all I have and all that matters. If you made it to this point, kuddos for tagging along on this mental trek of falling down holes and chasing rabbits. In rereading it, I’m not even sure I can follow along. Just like any trail, our minds have their ups and downs, their clear paths and muddy ones—and mine definitely did today! As Ted Lasso (Apple+) uttered, “Fairy tales do not start, nor do they end, at the dark forest. That’s only something that shows up smack dab in the middle of the story, but it will all work out. It may not work out how you think it will or how you hope it does. But believe me, it will all work out, exactly as it’s supposed to.” I remind myself to embrace the journey, believe in the fairy tale, and maybe find a bit of peace along the way.

-Ken

• Capitol State Forest, Washington 46° 57′ 41.652″ N 123° 11′ 0.096″W
• 5.7 miles | 833 elevation gain | ~3 hours
• 38°-40° degrees with overcast