OLYMPIC NATIONAL FOREST, WA:
Returning home this week, I looked forward to getting back out on a beautiful Pacific Northwest trail, which was a delightful contrast to my recent desert adventure in Arizona, just as beautiful in its own rugged way. Lovers Lane & Sol Duc Nature Trail in the Olympic National Forest seemed like the perfect getaway, inspiring me to rise early with anticipation. I hit the road by 4 a.m., embarking on a three-hour drive to the Sol Duc Hot Springs on the Olympic Peninsula, just past the stunning Lake Crescent. Though much of the drive was in the serene darkness, I was consumed by a Vanessa Redgrave reading of “The year of Magical Thinking” by Joan Didion (audiobook). It was a vivid and heart wrenching story of loss and grief. It was perhaps the most honest depiction of loss that I’ve come accross, and delivered as only Vanessa Redgrave could. As I got closer to my destination I was thrilled to capture a peaceful early morning photo of Lake Crescent before I veered off HWY 101 toward Sol Duc Hot Springs (photo at the bottom of the journal entry). Upon arrival, I was invigorated by a crisp 33° chill, and eagerly set off on the trail just after 7 a.m. for what promised to be an enriching 8-mile hike with about 550 feet elevation gain, over the course of about four hours. I was not in a hurry as I strolled along, stopping to take photos and fully embracing the magical rainforest surroundings. The narrow trails were beautifully adorned with old-growth roots and rocks, capturing my attention and transforming each step into a entertaining journey through this rainforest landscape.
The Journey…
Each side of the trail was blanketed with thick moss, warmly embracing downed trees that now offer cozy shelter for tiny critters. Starting my journey early, I cherished the solitude for a couple of hours before crossing paths with other friendly hikers. As I wandered up the trail, I was delighted by a family of deer, who seemed just as surprised to see me as beautiful morning rays peeked through the towering trees! To start the day, I chose the enchanting Lover’s Lane Trail, which led me to a lovely waterfall of the same name. The charm of this trail captured my heart far more than the one on the opposite side of the Sol Duc river, where the gentle hum of a road in the distance hinted at the nearby hot springs resort and campgrounds. As I continued past the charming Lover’s Lane falls, I was rewarded with the breathtaking Sol Duc falls, my most inspiring discovery of the season. Here, the water split into three raging channels of water, cascading into a perfect narrow canal, creating an explosive energy from the sheer volume of water, it’s like nature’s beautiful bottleneck.
Gratitude…
I was filled with gratitude as I disappeared into the amazing depths of the rainforest landscape. The bright greens of the towering trees, with the earthy smell of damp moss and rich soil lifts my spirits with the omnipresence of life. The cheerful sounds of branches swaying in the light breeze clashing against each other, and a symphony of birds, mix perfectly with the distant sound of the river and waterfalls that motivate me to carry on. Each step on the soft, spongy ground beneath my feet connects me to this lively ecosystem, where the cool, refreshing air fills my lungs and makes me feel alive. I’m really lucky to soak in this natural beauty, where every moment is like a special gift from the earth itself. So I being to ponder my thought for the day…
If you’ve been following my journey through the trails I’ve explored and the reflections I’ve shared, you may have noticed a recurring theme of navigating through the dense forest of grief and loss. These early entries reflect where my heart is currently focused. I’ve made a conscious decision to nurture a mindset filled with positivity and progress in healing, steering clear of feelings of victimhood or self-pity, as I strive to respect my emotions while embracing the path ahead.
Reflections…
Today, during my hike, I found myself reflecting on a couple of thoughts that resonate deeply with me. First, I wondered how my journey will evolve over time, much like the trails I traverse. How will my prompts for self-reflection change as I grow? Then, I pondered if I will always seek a ‘silver lining’ at the summit of every climb. Could there truly be a happy ending to every path I walk? While these are rhetorical questions, they remain meaningful as they echo my inner struggles. What has evolved is that hiking these trails with intentional thought is one of the few activities I cherish, making space for that much-needed ‘think time.’ Other moments, like a long drive, getting lost in music, the isolation of a loud lawn mower, or even the comforting atmosphere of a baseball game, also provide this space. So, I will keep using my hikes for moments of reflection—focusing on the gratitude I hold close to my heart and exploring topics that serve as the building blocks for my personal growth.
As I progress on my journey, so too do my thoughts. This means I resist labeling my hikes as merely being for the purpose of growth through grief and loss. Instead, my hikes become sacred moments for reflection, contemplation, and personal growth, with each trek weaving its own unique narrative. Some leading to uplifting resolutions, while others presenting me with more questions than answers. This complexity captures the beautiful messiness of life, which I embrace. On any given hike, I don’t define success in my reflections as solely by finding a ‘silver lining’; this week is a perfect illustration of that. At times, I simply need a space to lay bare my honest thoughts—good or bad—to process them for future reflection. Much of my journey has revolved around transforming challenging thoughts into sources of inspiration. This week, I’m allowing myself to revisit some of the thoughts I may have set aside or only grazed the surface of.
I believe grief and loss are often whispered about, as if even mentioning them could awaken the heavy shadows they bring. This silence often stems from a desire to shield myself or to reassure others that “I’m okay.” I notice that many who inquire about my well-being are seeking that simple answer, and who could blame them? Before Kelly’s passing, I thought I had a grasp on what loss meant. However, my understanding was purely intellectual, and lacked any honest perspective from my heart and soul. I had consumed countless books, browsed to the end of the Internet, watched inspiring TED talks, and conversed with those who had navigated their own valleys of sorrow. Yet, I now realize that until I found myself at that daunting edge, the true weight of loss remained beyond comprehension. Shortly after Kelly passed, I struggled with feelings of inadequacy in my preparation for this journey—so I kept busy.
The truth is, when I lost Kelly, it felt as though my world divided into two distinct trails: a path before and a path after. The before was filled with laughter, dreams, and hopeful plans for a future that appeared so certain. The after, however, is a landscape I never wanted to navigate, a place where what was once familiar has become uncharted territory. The after is chaotic, filled with thoughts that rise and fall in a struggle between giving up and pushing forward. This sentiment isn’t a plea for help; rather, it’s a raw and honest thought that weighs on my mind, heart, and soul—one that may feel uncomfortable but is still worthy of acknowledgment.
I did my best to prepare for her passing, knowing it was unavoidable. I meticulously organized every detail and tried to prepare our loved ones, hoping this effort might ease the pain when the time came. Yet, no amount of preparation could truly protect me from the profound heartache of waking up to a new day, without Kelly. Through this journey, I discovered, with deep sorrow, that grief is not something one can simply ready themselves for. It is a fierce storm that envelops you, taking you to places you never imagined you would have to navigate, places you don’t want to navigate, places on the other side of a collapsed bridge, with no map or return path.
In these past months, I’ve discovered profound truths about myself that I never recognized or acknowledged before. I came to understand that the loss of Kelly was not merely the loss of my partner, not to diminish that fact; it felt like losing a vital part of my identity that thrived alongside her. Together, we created a beautiful whole, and now I’m left with just a fragment—a piece that struggles to stand on its own. It feels like a void that cannot be filled, one that tugs at my heart, threatening to envelop the light Kelly once infused into my life. This reflection brings me back to December 7, 1991, the day we lit our Unity Candle at our wedding. We intentionally kept our individual candles lit after igniting the larger ‘unity’ flame, symbolizing that while we became one, we were still distinctly ourselves. It made perfect sense at the time, but now I realize I didn’t fully comprehend its implications. Here I am, with Kelly’s candle extinguished, the Unity candle dark, and mine merely flickering in solitude, vulnerable to even the gentlest breeze. The truth is, our unity candle is out, and with it, a piece of me has faded, living on only cherished memories that feel vulnerable to fading with time.
The practicalities of loss can be overwhelming, much like navigating rocky terrain. Simple phrases like “table for one,” being the third person, or filling out forms where “married” can no longer be checked, cut deeply, serving as painful reminders of a life I never wished to abandon. I find myself grappling with the concept of moving forward, whatever that may signify. How can I take that step if it means leaving Kelly behind on a path that feels more vivid than the present? Our shared dreams of aging together, the places we longed to explore, experiencing life through our children’s journeys, and the visions of creating cherished family moments with our grandchildren have now become distant echoes.
Yet, life gently insists on continuing. There are responsibilities that weigh heavily on my heart, children to nurture, grandchild(ren) to cherish, and connections with family and friends that remind me of the love we shared. I embraced our grandchild’s first birthday, witnessed those precious first steps, and took our first airplane trip together, all the while feeling the bittersweet shadows of Kelly’s absence in those joyful moments. Each milestone serves as a poignant reminder of the dreams we held dear, the plans we envisioned, and the love we will forever miss. It’s bittersweet to hear our wedding video play the iconic Beatles song, “When I’m Sixty-Four.” Although McCartney penned it at just sixteen, we chose it for what now is a haunting question, “Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I’m sixty-four?” Yet again, it encapsulates another vision and plan left unrealized. And still, I carry on.
I don’t share this lightly, nor do I say it just to express gratitude for what I have, which I truly do. This isn’t about finding a silver lining or fabricating a happy ending. It underscores the importance to recognize the raw truth that grief is an enduring presence in my life. It’s not about “getting over” the loss but about learning to coexist with it. While it may appear logical on paper or through conversation, the reality is quite painful. The books and guides talk about acceptance, but I wonder if acceptance truly means agreeing that everything is okay. For me, it’s more about finding a way to coexist with the void and acknowledging that it will always be a part of my journey on the path after. Yet, even the idea of making peace with it feels like settling for something less. It feels as though I am simply striving to “cope” or to “move on.” I find myself questioning where the vibrant plans of celebrating life and embracing joy have gone. Is it even possible in this “after” phase?
On this journey, what I have learned is that loss is profoundly real and deeply felt, it transforms you in ways you may not foresee, and the journey has complexities that requires unconditional self-grace. It’s a journey where the path may often feel dark and uncertain; yet, it is also one where love, even in its absence, continues to mold my life. After all, our time on this earth inevitably concludes the same way, and with that in mind, the painful reality of losing a partner will touch at least half of our relationships at some point.
The essence of grief truly reflects the profound love we experienced together, a love that will endlessly shape my identity. Yes, it’s love that makes it so vivid, so painful. As I navigate this challenging terrain, I find myself searching for hope and light amidst the shadows of loss. The path continues.
-Ken
- Olympic National Forest, WA 47° 58′ 11.532″ -123° 51′ 52.092″
- 7.7 miles | 553 elevation gain | ~4 hours
- 33-51 degrees and clear
Musings 